From the Outside Looking In

As I face up to this battle with cancer, I acknowledge that I am not an island - it affects not only me but those around me too. Below are some thoughts from my darling wife, Verity and her reflections on our shared journey so far:

I just read Matt's blog about him dealing with the prospect of having cancer and him coming to terms with it all, and it made me realise that I really haven't come to terms with it. My mind at the moment  seems a lot more messy and turbulent. I have no idea if this is something that he would like to share in his blog but I thought I'd write it down anyway.



As Matt said we first properly suspected it might be serious after he saw the consultant and she found more lumps all over, it wasn't just a case of a simple cist. He then went away for the weekend and surrounded himself with God and came back with a real peace and acceptance. I on the other hand spent this weekend without him trying desperately not to think at every point in the day what my life will be like if he dies.

I've noticed that people have different ways of coping with worrying and lots of people seem to try and ignore the worst case scenario and choose to focus on the best case. I am not like that, I am the opposite. I have to really try not to dwell purely on the worst that could happen. I think you actually need a bit of both as I don't think it's good to live in  denial and then be shocked and crushed if the worst were to happen but you mustn't live by fear and loose the joy of today by focusing on 'what if'.

Anyway, I do think about what if Matt dies and unfortunately I do not yet have the peace that he has. The thought makes me feel sick. Every morning I have been waking up with a feeling of unease, of disquiet, as if I am not safe. And then I remember why. I could loose my husband, the person who makes me whole. The person who shares my life and is supposed to be with me through it all. I remember how nervous I was throughout most of our engagement worrying about if this was the right thing  to do and what if something went wrong. Ever since our wedding  day I have had no doubts that this was what God had  planned  and that we can get through anything together. Don't get wrong, our marriage is not perfect and there are times when it feel  like more of a burden than a gift but I know that it was the right thing to do and it brings a lot more blessing to us and than around us than if we had stayed apart.

But marriage is supposed to be for life, for a long life. You grow old together and have grandchildren and then when your in your 70's+ you have to face the coming separation. It's not supposed to be finished when you're in your early 20's! I married Matt fully aware that he is an older man and that our married life may be shorter than others but I had anticipated that being 50 years instead of 60 not 5. We're just coming up to our fifth anniversary and I'm finding  it so hard to face the fact that I may be married for less than 10 years and then be without him for 60. I can't even imagine experiencing that length of time let alone without him! I fear that I will live the rest of my life in the pain that I have lost the love of my life.

So many women I have met are proud, strong and independent and are more than happy to admit it. I on the other hand am an extremely dependent women who still really feels like a child most of the time, every now and again I get shocked that my life is actually quite like a grown up's! I went straight from living with my parents to living with my husband and have never experienced living alone, or really doing anything alone. I used to get nervous about the shopping if Matt wasn't coming with me! I honestly do not know how or if I would cope with living alone. But of course I have a daughter so even if the worst were to happen I wouldn't be alone, I would be a single parent, and I find that even more terrifying! But even when I feel hopeless God brings light. This situation has shown me that my dependency is no longer on Matt but actually is where it should be, I am totally dependent on God. I don't feel like my life will be destroyed if Matt dies, even though it will hurt more than anything  I can imagine, I know God would get me through it. I am dependent on God because I have to be. He is the only thing that is safe and secure and he is always faithful and never grow weary of me.

The thing is - I do not have to rely on my own strength and understanding (praise God). I know that God has my life in his hands and that he has good plans for me, although it doesn't feel like that  at the moment. But actually it's not about how I feel. Because I feel scared and overwhelmed and like my life would be nothing but misery if Matt was to die. What I have to rely on is what I know of God. And I know God is good, I know that he can use all things for the good of those who love him. I know he loves me, and Matt and our children (even the unborn ones). I know that God is already using this situation to draw us closer to him and is speaking to others through us and the situation. I have never been so thankful to know Jesus, there is no way I would get through this without him. And I have never felt so surrounded by love from the people around us, I'm so thankful for church!

So maybe I do have some peace, I know my father is the one in control. But that doesn't stop my mind being turbulent picturing watching him die; picturing our children growing up without their Daddy; imaging living in pain for the rest of my life. And now we're expecting another child and looking at buying our first house together, and I think of a year's time the four of us being together in our lovely new home and I can barely breathe because I know that's what I've got to loose.

I know God can heal and I believe that he will but I'm terrified that he might not. But even if the worst were to happen I know he would use it to bring glory to his name. At times like this God can often seem to be quiet and distant, it's just part and parcel of the trial, and it has felt like that to me this week. Particularly because I've been so busy and exhausted with hospital trips and processing information that I haven't spent any time reading the Bible or waiting on God. But in the past few months he has been speaking to me and in particular 2 passages have really stuck. This is the hope I cling to when I feel hopeless, this brings the peace when I feel I am overwhelmed and can't cope. I hope it brings you peace and hope too! Also I'd just like to add, church is so good for the soul especially during hardship, it encourages and builds up and draws you closer to God. I thank God for the church he's put us in and the way they are helping and supporting us.

           Psalm 91

Those who live in the shelter of the Most High

    will find rest in the shadow of the Almighty.

2 

This I declare about the Lord:

He alone is my refuge, my place of safety;

    he is my God, and I trust him.

3 

For he will rescue you from every trap

    and protect you from deadly disease.

4 

He will cover you with his feathers.

    He will shelter you with his wings.

    His faithful promises are your armor and protection.

5 

Do not be afraid of the terrors of the night,

    nor the arrow that flies in the day.

6 

Do not dread the disease that stalks in darkness,

    nor the disaster that strikes at midday.

7 

Though a thousand fall at your side,

    though ten thousand are dying around you,

    these evils will not touch you.

8 

Just open your eyes,

    and see how the wicked are punished.

9 

If you make the Lord your refuge,

    if you make the Most High your shelter,

10 

no evil will conquer you;

    no plague will come near your home.

11 

For he will order his angels

    to protect you wherever you go.

12 

They will hold you up with their hands

    so you won’t even hurt your foot on a stone.

13 

You will trample upon lions and cobras;

    you will crush fierce lions and serpents under your feet!

14 

The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.

    I will protect those who trust in my name.

15 

When they call on me, I will answer;

    I will be with them in trouble.

    I will rescue and honor them.

16 

I will reward them with a long life

    and give them my salvation.”

Matthew 9:11

“You parents—if your children ask for a loaf of bread, do you give them a stone instead? Or if they ask for a fish, do you give them a snake? Of course not! So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

#2miraclesinthemaking